Some food for thought.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/5549158/Woman-cancels-wedding-after-finding-fiance-was-porn-star.html

What would YOU do in the situation?

I suppose its different for men and women, and I wonder what the situation would be like if the roles were reversed. I’m not sure what i’d do…probably freak out from shock then tell him to give it up….or ask if i could fuck other guys too…Who knows.

Just something to think about.
xo
B

I Fucked a Model

Sometimes even gorgeous flowers like Miss Blossom have their share of dry spells. Since currently I am without love or lust interest, I have saved up some fun stories to blog about for such an unfortunate occasion…and tonight i’ve got a doozy for you all.

You see friends, two years ago, I accomplished something most people only dream about. I fucked an honest to god model/”actor”…..and it was weird!

We were having drinks, politely talking, and I was just dumbfounded at how incredibly pretty he is. Great smile, piercing eyes, lanky frame, amazing hair and cheekbones that could put david bowie to shame, he was any hipster girl or gay man’s dream. After a drink or 3 he offered to give me a ride home, and we sang along to Surfer Rosa in his Cutlass Cruiser as we headed way downtown. The entire time I was singing, I was just dumbfounded about how some regular girl like me was so lucky to be out with this figure of delight, this angel, this epitome of male beauty…..but looks friends…they can be so very deceiving.

The minute we got into my apartment, beautiful model boy launched a full scale Blossom attack. He was kissing me like I had the cure for cancer, or a SAG contract in my throat. The kisses were weird, and messy, and I was almost choking on model tongue. “Cool it blossom” I thought in my head ” youre making out with a fucking model”

And so i did..for a few minutes before he began fumbling for my boobs. He was making moaning noises like a dying cat. He squeezed my nipples hard to the point where I had to outwardly object. I guess you can take the farm boy out of nebraska but…well…you know how it goes.

Despite my inner monologue about how crappy a kisser he was I let it continue. We made it to the bedroom and off with the clothes. While his upper body was impeccable, decorated with a few tattoos across his pale porceline skin, it was a wonder to behold, until i beheld what was going on down below…His penis was essentially the width of a golf pencil and maybe a little more than twice the length.I essentially began jerking him off with my index finger because if I tried to use my whole hand, which I should mention is pretty small for a chick my height, it would just be awkward. More dying cat noises. I told myself to just go with it….if not just for the sheer fact that I could fuck a model. THen the dirty talk began….and thats when it really went weird.

“Oh no, please don’t rape me” he said.

Uh….What?

“No….Don’t rape me”

“I’m not”

“Please, don’t take advantage of me”

Hmm…i thought to myself…i guess this is how he wants to play…Well..when in rome. He went inside me and I began telling him what he wanted to hear…im raping him…he’s a dirty boy…etc.

“Tell me how you’re gonna give me stds”

“What? I’m clean”

“tell me you’re giving me chlamydia”

“Uh…ok…im giving you chlamydia…and uh…the clap..and uh…HERPES. I hope you like the herpes”

More dying cat noises. At this point, as i’m on top of this beautiful strange creature I had two choices. I could stop, put my clothes on and insist he leaves, or keep going and see how weird this is gonna get…and you all know what I did. I continued.

“Tell me youre gonna have my abortion”

Oh fuck.

“Uh…i’m gonna have your abortion?”

“Yeah, tell me how much youre gonna bleed”

Oh. My. God.

“Umm…alot?”

“Youre raping me and giving me stds and youre gonna abort my baby”

“uhh…sure”

Now friends, keep in mind we’re using a condom…but…who am i to ruin the crazy crazy ambience.

“I’m uh..raping you and giving you gonnorhea.”

“Yeaahhhhhhhhh”

After a few more unpleasentries and dying cat noises he finally came, in one, long, mewling squeal. I wasn’t sure what to say after that.

“Wow that was….interesting”….Not the best thing to say after you have a weird sexual experience but…hey…i’m not one for tact.

He promptly fell asleep, perhaps passing out from non-exertion of energy or malnutrition. In the morning I kicked him out and I laid there, awake, thinking…..
I fucked a model…i fucked a model…i fucked a model…..and it was weird.

until next time,
xo
B

Artist Rendering

Quote of the Day

…because who doesn’t enjoy a good Obama Love Fest?

On June 3, 2009 President Obama gave a speech at the University of Cairo, in Egypt, addressing a worldwide audience about the conflicts in the Middle East and the Muslim World. There are a lot of gems stated in Obama’s hour long speech, which is definitely worth the hour taken away from your Facebooking time, however Men Are Easy, I Need A Nap gals just wanted to give a special thanks to Obama for being a humanist and feminist!

“I reject the view of some in the West that a woman who chooses to cover her hair is somehow less equal, but I do believe that a woman who is denied an education is denied equality. And it is no coincidence that countries where women are well educated are far more likely to be prosperous…Meanwhile, the struggle for women’s equality continues in many aspects of American life, and in countries around the world. I am convinced that our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity, men and women, to reach their full potential.”

The Stereotypes That Snipe Us

This one is for the Gentlemen.

We ladies are culturally raised differently from you. I think that kind of goes without saying but I wanted to discuss a certain topic. As females, we are taught, from our lovely Western culture, that we are objects of desire. It is instilled in our very young, and developing breasts brains that once we get to a certain age, (and usually before we get to another certain age that we will not discuss) men will always want to have sex with you. It doesn’t even matter if they aren’t THAT attracted to you, as long as you are willing, they will be happy to oblige, at least once anyway. Therefore, because of this stereotype, which is not totally true or false, we are mildly to incredibly dumbfounded when you don’t want to have sex with us.

Take my friend Doctor. Doctor and his girlfriend recently broke up but one of trials of their relationship, which had little to nothing to do with their break up, was that he was just not in the mood as much as she was. He understood that his girlfriend was upset but couldn’t grasp why she was SO upset. The thing that Doctor couldn’t grasp was not his fault; he wasn’t raised to think he would always be an object of sexual desire. He was raised that No Means No and to respect that fact. (This is very respectable, go Doctor!)

Because we, as women, are taught that men will always want to have sex; when someone we care about and who cares about us doesn’t want to have sex for whatever reason, we assume something is wrong. We will think that either we messed up, that you aren’t attracted to us, or occasionally, think something is wrong with you. In reality, men have bad days and get tired too! And deep down we know this, but it is hard to get that notion out of our heads that until gravity takes over, we are walking instant boners for our male partners. Advice gentlemen, be patient and tell us we are pretty! Actions are important but words matter too. There are numerous ways to show appreciation and attraction. And ladies, chill out.

 

Smooches!

Cookie

The Run In; Summer Edition

Zoom out:

It is Saturday night and I am ready to have a fan-fuckin-tastic evening with my buds.

Enter a dark bar, with dim red lighting, and crowded with thirsty cool kids.

Pan Left:

Fuck! There he is; sitting at the edge of the bar by himself drinking a beer and checking his cell phone. It’s your Ex, Ex whatever (ex-boyfriend, fuck buddy, one night stand, someone you dated casually, etc). Most importantly, it is your  Ex, as in I would prefer to not run into you when I am suppose to be having an average Saturday night of debauchery with your friends. Damn! I was convinced to be the classier one and go say, “Hi.” And frankly, in his well-known semi-anti-social manner and quieter demeanor than I, it was safe to assume my Ex did not even see me in the bar because he was too busy (being lame and) checking his phone. I gulped down some more whiskey and made my way to the bar. Tap, tap “Oh hey!” After a semi awkward, yet polite and light conversation, I made my way back to my friends and he continued to sit at the bar and wait for his friends while occasionally waving when I went up to the bar to get another drink. I hate him, obviously.

The Run In is simply a mild emotional inconvenience but damn, can it put a damper on a moment or evening. In a city as populated as this one is, in the city’s largest borough, Brooklyn, Run Ins happen more than I would like. Just recently, my friend Pumpkin saw his ex crossing the Bedford Ave on Sunday afternoon. She didn’t see him, but none the less! With the warm weather upon us, and as the clothes come off, more Run Ins are inevitable. Just as it was last summer, and the summer before, we will gather in the heat and sweat it out together. There is no hibernation from your exs in the summer. McCarren Park will soon, again, turn into the cesspool of pasty exs and tattooed one night stands sitting on the grass, smoking grass or drinking margaritas out of styrofoam cups from The Turkey’s Nest. My question is, are you ready for your, probably numerous, summer Run Ins?  

 

Smooches!

Cookie

Quote of the day

“You should change the name of the blog to, men are SLEAZY i need one who isn’t a piece of crap”

Rules of Engagement

If you do not want someone to be your exclusive significant other, do not treat them as such. And, if the person you are seeing expresses that they do not wish to be your significant other, a.k.a. boyfriend or girlfriend, even if they still want to be with you, do not expect more.

Fairytale endings rarely happen. Time is of the essence and no one should be pushed. Not always but more than likely, if you feel like a fool, it is because you allowed yourself to be played the fool. 

Get it together!

 

Smooches,

Cookie

Mr. Controversial Strikes Again!

One of my more favorite well-hung cups of tea, better known for his controversial positioning, strikes again; and with a more serious bang! However, this time his positioning was not in question, it was his morals! Mr. Controversial did the unthinkable, the unbelievable and the second most completely childish and selfish stereotypical man action there is. (I think the first will become obvious shortly.)* He said the words that one never says, at least you never say in the thralls of passion, the heat of the moment, the bowls of ecstasy, the fuck of all fucks, if you will, unless they have been said previously and meant them! At some point, in the midst of our mind-blowing screwfest, while we were slowing down for a bit**, he had the nerve to refer to what we were doing as….making love!

 

He said it! I kid you not readers, it was absolutely atrocious and frankly, kind of mean. And to make matters worse he tried to get me to say it and when I would not, he repeated himself…repeatedly! The only thing more pathetic than an emotionally stunted 32 year old man-child is one who also gets off on being lovey dovey.

 

Vom!

 

And neeeeeeeeext!

 

Smooches,
Cookie

 

 

 

 * The first thing being “I love you.”

** Keep in mind somewhere in between starting our screwfest and him referring to our actions as making love, repeatedly, he had basically sucked off my vibrator after using it on me, and I quote, because he just wanted to “taste” me. Go figure….

For-never your girl

I have a confession to make to all you ladies in relationships out there.
You know how your live-in or serious boyfriend spends alot of time texting?
You know how you’ll peer over to his phone to see what he’s doing and he’ll shut it quickly?
You know how he doesn’t like you looking in his text messages?
You know how he spends all that time on the computer alone…and you always think he’s talking to someone? And he’s acting weird and suspicious and you think he’s talking to another girl?
Well I gotta fess up ladies…If I’ve dated or slept with you boyfriend before you guys were together…theres a very good chance that he is….because its me.

I am the other woman.

I try to be friendly with my exes and my former paramours. I tend not to hold grudges, and I really enjoy keeping in touch with people I’ve had connections with. I confide in them, tell them about whats going on with me, and keep it friendly and light. But inevitably, this is the conversation I end up having.

Me: How’s everything with the lady?
Him: It’s good..
Me: Oh good i’m glad!
Him: Yeah…
Me: Yeah?
Him: I still think about you though….all the time.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I would obviously say it is the certain guy who is “still thinking about me” but…this has happened to me time and time again, so I am fairly sure it has something to do with me. I gotta admit it…I don’t get it.
While I enjoy that guys still think about me even when I’m no longer with them, this is the source of endless frustration for me. How is it that I am always THAT girl. I am always the girl that they want to fuck, they want to hear dirty things from, they want to pine for while lying in bed with their unaware girlfriend, but somehow…i’m never enough.

I’ll give an example.

Ill tell you about PBoy.

Pboy and I have been sleeping together since I was 17 years old. He’s absolutely gorgeous, and funny, and smart and caring…but he never wanted to date me. True I was not around enough to be a sufficient girlfriend, but he never even tried. We continued on our little trysts until I was 21. I was away at college, and he and I did our usual sexy texts, flirty emails, and phone sex….until one day his girlfriend emails me on facebook asking who I was. I immediately told Pboy and he instructed me to block her. Did that stop him from texting me? No. He would call me after hanging out with her, wanting phone sex. I relented, thinking that maybe this was not serious and as soon as I moved back to the area we would be together. That was four years ago…and they are still together. But every few months, like clockwork, he calls, or texts or ims…telling me he’s thinking about me, he misses me, he wants me, he never stops thinking about me. He’s miserable in his relationship, he tells me, things aren’t going well. “well come see me” I tell him. ” i want to be with you, just come get me”. He tells me he dreams about it. He wants to be with me. I’m what he wants. But he stays with her.
What kills me is i’ve seen her pictures. She’s beautiful. She’s slim. She seems so cool and confident, everything that I am not.
I try to cut him, and the many others like him, who come to me for sexual comfort. None of them every actually cheat on their girlfriends…they just talk about it…constantly.
I would NEVER want to be in the situation all their lovely girlfriends are in, with a boyfriend who constantly pines for someone who isn’t me, but I wonder when it will be my time.

When am I going to be THE girl.

When will I not be the safety blanket…the masturbation fodder…the dream.

I’ve given up these boys…slowly but surely…but the feeling of being second banana will never shake off.

It’ll be my time one day. Until then..i’m for-never their girl..and it’s killing me.

My favorite thing about Summer…

Sure I enjoy the beautiful weather, the cheery expressions on people’s faces, and the prospect of going to the beach…but my very favorite is seeing a skinny boy in jeans and a tight black tshirt with a tattoo just peeking out from below his sleeve….ai dios mio.

Loving the warm weather.
Blossom